Eat your peas

This week's seed for the soul for new moms card says:

"Breathe! Deeply. Often"

In light of recent events, I don't believe I could have pulled out a more perfect card for the week. I need to take time to breathe and let go of some things, like laundry, every once-in-awhile. Today I took time to play with both girls before their naps. I got a lot of smiles. It felt better than cleaning a whole house only to have it trashed by the tornadoes. And the best part, was I could do it sitting down, in my pjs.

Miracle drug

Our visit to the Dr yesterday was enlightening. Tinkerbell has a clear nose and ears, but there is an infection in her left eye due to a clogged tear duct. Sunshine had a clogged tear duct as a newborn, though it was never infected. Hers resolved on it's own without treatment. I hope TB's clogged duct heals on it's own as well. I have known she has one since her 2 week visit, but it has never caused a problem until now. Her eye was draining green goo at the visit....yuck! Probably because she was crying so much the night before. So now we have antibiotic drops for both eyes and she's on her way to those sparkly baby blues again.
Since there was no apparent reason for her screaming into the night, such as an ear infection, the Dr. mentioned that she might be a "closet reflux case". Most babies with reflux spit up and spew all the time. They cry after nearly every feed because their tummies hurt so much. TB rarely spits up, but with the crying her Dr. wanted to start her on some Axid (a name brand medicine similar to Zantac). She gets a 1 mL dose twice a day. I took no chances and gave her the first dose in the office and crossed my fingers. The stuff tastes awful and numbs your mouth. Half of it came back out at me and all over the exam room table. Hope they didn't mind cleaning up my mess.
Last night as 6:30 rolled around I started getting nervous as usual, but TB was sleeping. She slept until about 7, woke up, looked around for awhile, then whined a bit. She was hungry. I fed, burped and changed her and handed her to my mom so I could play with Sunshine. Tinkerbell was cooing and playing too, she was smiling back at my mom. Mom said she didn't know who this baby was. I told her that TB's personality is normally like that during the day...she just sees her at night when she is crying.
What a difference it made! The girl hardly made a peep all night. She got a little fussy before bedtime, but we rocked for five minutes and she was out cold. She went to sleep around 9:30 and woke up at 4:30 AM to eat again. That is the longest she has ever slept at one time. She nursed a bit, and went back to sleep again until 7:30. Now she is sitting behind me in her Boppy playing quietly and cooing. Wow. This is what sleep feels like. I am not going to say, nor believe, this medicine has solved all our problems, however, after one night of decent sleep my hopes are high for a few more nights like this! Keep your fingers crossed for us.

How long can a baby cry???

Or should I say how long can a mommy go without sleep?

Tinkerbell has had colic since she was about 4 weeks. It wasn't too bad at first. She was fussy in the evenings. This lasted usually from 6:30 in the evening until 9:30. Then it would stop and she would sleep well (usually from 11-4:30 Am). I was stressed, but I was sleeping a little and I knew this was only temporary. This kept me a little sane. My other babies have had cranky times too. It's normal. Sometimes babies just need to cry.

However...the last few nights have been hell. She starts earlier and cries later. I can't console her. Rocking, bouncing, driving, swinging only seems to take the pain away temporarily and then it's back...with a vengeance! Last night, I about lost my mind. She started around 4:30 yesterday. I dropped the girls off with mom so I could take Drama to soccer. She was crying when we left for soccer, and when we returned. Starting at 9, she cried until 4 AM. Yes, there were 15 minute breaks here and there where she took little catnaps...but I basically had to be on my feet all night. It was horrible to see her in what seemed to be so much pain.

I love my baby so much, but this period of colic is really pushing me to levels I never knew existed and testing my parenting skills in ways that just aren't fair. Nothing is aimed towards the baby. It's not her fault. She is a beautiful and wonderful baby that is just extremely sensitive. I have so many ugly feelings that surface and surround me day by day now.

Guilt
My two other children do not get even half of the time they deserve from their mommy anymore. I tend to snap at DK and just deal with Sunshine enough to get her daily needs taken care of. But there is not enough play, not enough comfort, not enough mommy to go around these days. And I feel horrible for this. They deserve better from me. At least DK can understand to some point what is going on, but poor Sunshine...she just wants mommy. Which brings me to...

Jealousy
Mr. Five is taking on the role of playing and caring for a lot of Sunshine's needs. It's great, but I see her developing a special relationship with him that makes me feel like an outsider.
I'm also jealous of the sleep Mr. F is getting. No fair. When I am up for walking or feeding I hear him snoring and I just want to hit him. And that's not normal. Is it?

Anger
I'm angry at the situation. I'm angry at Mr. F for not helping around the house more when it is obvious I need it. I'm angry that I have lost my evenings. I don't do sing anymore or go out with friends much. I have no life. I'm angry I can't just sit back and enjoy my last newborn knowing I will never have another so sweet and little. I'm angry that I can't be a better mom to my other kids. Angry that I can't make it better for TB, that I can't comfort my baby...the one thing I should be able to do better than anyone.

Despair
Over my house. The laundry piles up. Sunshine (my little Texas Tornado) pulls everything off of counters and drops them on the floor. DK and Mr. Five are just as bad. They leave dishes out and clothes on the floor and despite my constant nagging will not pull their weight around here. I am too exhausted to deal with the grocery store so I find that I never have what I need in the house for feeding my family. I just can't get my darn house clean!

I know all of this will pass in time as her digestive system becomes more mature and things will be peachy one day. But right now it's affecting my sanity, my children, my marriage and it's so terribly hard. Out of desperation I finally called the Dr this morning and begged them to help me figure this out. I as in tears with the nurse. I have already tried giving up dairy, caffeine, and all cruciferous vegetables. They want to take a look at her this afternoon to make sure she is otherwise healthy since sister had a sinus infection not too long ago. I hope they find a way to make her feel better, for her, for me, for my family.

Once upon a tampon

It occurred to me the other day, while I was shopping for my first non-maternity pants in ages, that I don't really remember the non-pregnant me. I can't identify with the pictures I see of a much skinnier, younger, more rested me. And for a good reason!

In the last 3 years I have:

-been pregnant 5 times

-had a tubal, a miscarriage, and a chemical pregnancy

-had 2 full term pregnancies

-had 2 C-sections



In the past 2 years I have:

-been pregnant for 20 months

-had morning sickness for 7 months

-been breastfeeding for 6 months

-been pregnant AND breastfeeding for 2 months

-Never had to buy "female products"

When you are pregnant (and for 6 weeks after baby) you are only allowed to use sanitary napkins. Here is where my story begins.

I hit that magic 6 week mark two weeks ago and was still bleeding. Yuck. I know. Sorry. So, I went to the magic cabinet for a tampon (cause I could start wearing them instead of pads). I couldn't find any. So I looked in my bathroom drawers and other cabinets. None. Finally I started getting desperate and looked through all of my old purses and travel bags. Nothing. Eek! Where in the world did I put those things?

It dawned on me that I was probably out. I hadn't been able to wear them in nearly two years. It took me 1 1/2 weeks to get to the store to buy some. I went to the local Target store and seriously did not remember where the pad and tampon aisle was. (I bought pads in bulk at Costco when E was born and still had a bunch this time around). When I finally found it, I was stumped. What brand did I use? Were they cardboard? Plastic? What absorbency are you supposed to use? They even had new stuff that looked really cool. Have you seen the ones with pearls???? Sweet!

I was on the phone with my SIL and was just laughing so hard because I couldn't remember, or decide, what to buy. People walking by must have thought I was pretty immature to be on the phone in the tampon aisle laughing hysterically. We all know you are supposed to quietly stroll down the aisle, get your gear and get out before someone notices you're there.

The whole experience was the beginning of a new me. A not pregnant me. Someone I still can't identify with, but someday, with time (and a little more sleep) I will learn to like....maybe even love.

In the mad scheme of things

Today started off great! Tinkerbell let me sleep from 12AM-5:55AM and I really needed it because today was the start of the dreaded soccer season. The Drama Kid had been playing on the same team for several seasons and all of a sudden this summer, more than half of the kids decided to quit...including the coaches kid. So, we were left team less. The 3 kids remaining were joined with another disbanded" team to form a new team. This did not sit well with me because that meant 5 new soccer moms I had to schmooze with. I don't schmooze well. Let's just say I don't speak the soccer mom language.Anyway, Mr. Five had to work this evening (as per usual) and my mom was set to watch the girls at 5:00. In a mad dash, DK was dressed, the diaper bag stuffed, 3 kids strapped into the people mover (I drive an insanely large vehicle) and we were off.

As we pulled out of our neighborhood, we noticed there was a bustle of activity going on at DK's school. There were 3 policeman blocking various lanes, an ambulance, a green SUV, Care Flight grounded at the scene, and a mob of people. As we drew closer it was apparent the mob of people were huddled over a body. The Care Flight stretcher was right there...but no one was on it. You could see blood pooled in the parking lot. DK's parking lot....the school he attends....starting Monday. I felt sick.

By the time I arrived at the folks house you could see the news copters circling around like vultures. The 5 o'clock news was about to start but we had to leave for practice. One of the soccer moms got a call with an update of the situation. It wasn't pretty. Apparently that green SUV was pulling a 15 year old boy on a skateboard attempting a stunt. The skateboarder lost his balance and somehow the rope was entangled under the vehicle, thus pulling the boy under with it. The SUV ran over him and the words that I heard were "massive head trauma". Oh, that would explain the red pool in the parking lot. He died from his injuries.A 16 year old was driving...his best friend.

I have a little boy. He will be 15 in just 7 years. He likes to have fun. He doesn't usually think before he does something that seems fun, he just does it...especially if friends are playing along. These boys probably thought they were doing something harmless. They were in a parking lot....how fast could they even have been going? On a skateboard? That parking lot is so tiny!
As I watched soccer practice I pictured each one of those boys a few years older, unsupervised, just trying to have fun. Stupid fun, but fun none-the-less. I also thought of some of the dumb things I did as a teenager and wondered "how do I protect my boy?". I can't be with him every minute. I can't sit on his shoulder and say "No way man, don't do that....you could get killed".
I pray for the knowledge to teach my son to make good decisions. Is that even possible?
I pray for the boy's family, the driver of the car, and his friends...for moms of boys and girls everywhere and their precious children.

Eat your peas

I am in a surprisingly upbeat and positive mood. I slept last night, had two dreams, made it to the gym this morning, AND...(drumroll) both of my girls went down for naps at the same time allowing me time to organize my medicine/vitamin cabinet, do several loads of laundry and dust. Since I am feeling so well, I want to share with you, my rockstar-mom friends, the weekly seed for the soul.
Last year, when pregnant with Sunshine, a friend gave me a packet of "seeds for the soul" for new moms. When moving our office into SS's old bedroom I found them and set them on the desk. I just opened them for the first time today, and here is what it said:

"Your future with new baby looks as bright as you are. Shine on!"

Mrs. Personality

I saw these cool charts on MB's, Elastigirl's and Mrs. Swizzle's blogs. Being naturally scientific....I was intrigued.

So....here I am in a nutshell.

New Beginnings (and Battles)

I hate them. Starting something new requires momentum, and I've never been one with much to spare. It's like walking into a party and being the first one there. You have to make an effort with the hostess and guests to get the conversation going. I can do it...but I don't LIKE to do it. I like to be fashionably late, make my entrance, and then find the cake! (mostly applies to weddings and birthdays). Now that we have 3 children I will probably never be on time to anything...EVER.

Today I started my new post-partum diet and workout plan. Thus I begin the "battle of the bulge". It's not really a diet (remember to keep the dairy farm going, I must feed my boobs), but a healthier take on food. Before I started, I had to take my pre-measurements. OUCH! I have 3 sizes to go before I should even bother to open my closet. The working out is just grueling. I never knew I could sweat so much. It's gross. I feel gross. These cute little women with high butts and tight legs are prancing around the room and I'm squishy (and sweaty) and out of breath after a few minutes of stretching. My (2 time) post baby body leaves much to be desired. My stomach hangs over my C-section scar, my thighs touch and the rest of me jiggles. If our OB's were really on our side they would ok exercising 6 weeks before they approve sex. Or at least tell our husbands that!

Another new beginning is that our middle child, Sunshine, just turned one yesterday and I am embarking on a crazy journey into toddler hood with her. She's a dream, the Sunshine of the family. She greets us with smiles and heaps of kisses, and she gives out those kisses to anyone she likes, whether they want it or not. If she hears music of any kind she dances as if no one's watching (but then checks to make sure you are). However, we are also entering into the world of tantrums and the "battle of wills". I can honestly say I am not looking forward to this one.

And, as August draws near its close we embark on our Back to School journey. Our oldest child, Drama Kid, starts 2nd grade. The BTS grind isn't necessarily about going to school or shopping for clothes, but getting on a regular bed time routine and schedule. You see his father, the Ex, sees bedtime as an optional portion of my sons schedule. It's annoying. One night I heard of him staying up until 4AM. They were on the lake fishing and lost the keys to their car. They finally went home, via Taco Bell, and DK still brags about it. I am not looking forward to the nightly "bedtime battle".

All this wouldn't be so bad if the baby of the family, Tinkerbell, didn't have colic. She screams nightly from 6:30-9:30. You can literally watch the clock and she will start within minutes of the minute hand passing the 6. It's exhausting. It takes a lot of the fun out of being a new mommy. One good thing I will say is that it helps her sleep "through the night" (about 11:30-5AM).

As I sit here and type (while TB is screaming her head off), I keep saying to myself "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change..."