Toxic friends

I've been wrestling with some things over the past month, and the only person I've had to share them with is the Duke. He is a dude, so he can't make much sense of my feelings. Also, he could do without the rest oft he world and be just fine. He would be happy with our happy family of 5 living on a small tropical island...as long as it had access to FIOS TV! I tend to be more social, but I am trending away from that. Here is why. Maybe one of you all can help me make sense of these awful ugly feelings. I have to be really careful too, since most of my friends read this blog. These feelings aren't directed at any person in particular, just a general feeling of waterloo on the friendship battleground.

Let's go back to grade school. I didn't have any girl friends at my school. Any kids that lived on my block went to public school. I was at a private school up through 8th grade. I would chat with friends at recess, but no one would come over and play, or spend the night the way girls do. I skipped 4th grade and was moved into a 5/6 grade combination LEAP class...which was extremely intimidating!!! I didn't have friends again for a short time, then connected with a girl I danced with. We'll call her A. A and I danced together 4-5 times a week for most of our childhood years. She was the most popular girl in school. Rich, pretty, smart...she had it all. We had so much fun together...sleepovers, carpooling to ballet, parties. Then she stayed at private school for high school and I went to public. She dropped me like a hot potato. That sucked.

My best friend in high school was a boy. We'll call him S. S and I were in most classes together, but really had the most fun in Drama. We were bff's for all 4 years. Though every time I had a boyfriend, or he had a girlfriend...things would get weird for awhile with our other peeps. We were an odd pair. He was the witty dark Thespian, I was struggling for an image at all. A cheerleader, choir member, swim team, drama person....I had many friends. But none were as close as S. Until my senior year where I got close to T and R. (They were girls). T and S and I were in Jazz Choir together. R was a cheerleader with me. Quickly me, R and T became a threesome of bffs. But we would often argue as hormonal girls do, and generally R and T were closer. S remained constant....always there. The last week of school S told me he had been in love with me since our freshman year. WOAH! From that moment I questioned the validity of our friendship. Was it because of that? Or were were actually friends? To this day, we have not spoken since graduation. How sad is that? (I am still in touch with T and R, and visit them often when I am in town, but they are still closer to each other just like in high school).

Thus started my 3-somes of friends. In college my bffs were D and D2. We were all bffs. But they lived together, were in the same sorority (not mine). We are still friends, and they are both Godparents to my children, but they are still closer...they always have been.

I told B when I met him that I have a lot of friends, but not a single close girlfriend. The gf that you call everyday to ask what she is doing. The one who you can call at 4 am. The one you always get a call back from. He was happy to take on that role. And now I am proud to say, that my husband is my tried and true BFF!!! Since we have been married we have found couple friends that we become close to at times, but then things get crazy and we go months without hanging out at all.

I do long for a close girl friend. I always have. Why do I seem to always have boys for bffs? Can I relate to them better? Am I lacking in estrogen? Do I smell? Is it my small boobs? Do I not listen well enough? Am I mean hearted? Shallow? I really am looking for answers here.

Here is what I have wrestled with:

1. In my life I have been in 7 weddings, but have never been the maid of honor.
2. We have 10 people in our lives that we felt strong enough about to be God parents to our children. Yet no friend has ever asked that of us. (I am Godmother to my brother's children, but he lived with me...he knew how awesome I would be to my God babies!) Do we look irresponsible? Is our relationship with God seemingly not strong? Who knows. Should I care?

This all came on strong this weekend when I invited a bunch of girls to go see Mamma Mia. I invited everyone. I bought the tickets. I had a pre-party. I was so busy making sure everyone had food and drink, that I missed the call-outs on cars. Not that it was a big deal, but everyone went in other cars except my mom. She wanted to ride with me. But no one seemed to. And I know it wasn't an attack on me, but after struggling with all of this baggage, that didn't help my case. Mom and I eventually rode with my friends D and D and had a great time.

This book I am reading talks about eliminating toxic friends from your lives. The ones who stress you out, or leave you angry, depressed, irritated. How do you know which are just the daily ups and downs of a normal friendship, and which are really just a bad relationship? Especially when most of my bffs have been boys? Am I out of touch with the ladies? Is there a course for that? Somebody help me out here.