Ugly day

I see that I have not posted in awhile. I just really haven't felt like doing anything. Many days I sit in the rocking chair in my pjs and play with my children. I haven't wanted to talk to anyone, see anyone or go anywhere. My attitude and issue isn't really with anyone in particular, but aimed at the world in general. I'm angry at the world. I see people with family they don't even talk to. Siblings who argue (as adults) over which child a parent loved more. My parents talk to their family a few times a year, on birthdays or anniversary's....you know, the important stuff.
I hear all this crap from people who are so lucky. So lucky to have family. I would give anything in the world to pick up the phone and call my brother right now. To show him pictures of my new babies and show him how much his Godson has grown up.

Four years ago today, my baby brother passed away after a short battle with aplastic anemia. He actually died from a complication known as ARDS. It all happened so fast. One day he had strange bruising. The next day they found aplastic anemia. An aggressive treatment rendered his immune system incompetent and he acquired an infection. It was a bacteria we all have in our mouths. It normally causes no harm, but in his case it lead to pneumonia and a systemic infection. They tried to put him on a vent, but he fought to breathe on his own and he ended up with a pneumothorax. Induced into a medical coma, he was on a vent for two weeks. We had ups, and downs. I held his hand and told him about my life and the trivial things of the day thinking when he was better he would come out and we could laugh together about them.
But he never breathed on his own again.

I was at my parent's house when the call came. It was a Saturday. They needed to speak ASAP with his next of kin. My mom had run to Starbucks to get me and a friend some coffee. Something had happened that morning and he started bleeding uncontrollably. His oxygen sats were in the 50s for too long...way too low. They wanted permission to not intervene and let him go. I asked my mom to keep him on the vent until I got there to say goodbye, but it was too late. He went to meet Jesus while I was traveling down the freeway to the hospital. He was with my mom, and his wife. She laid her head on his chest and heard his heart beat slower and slower and finally not beat again. He was gone. He left behind two beautiful children, my Godchildren.

In the following weeks, many people called and asked me how my parents were, or how his wife and kids were. Clearly they had the biggest loss right? Did they ask me how I was? Possibly if I looked sad that particular day. One friend, Elastigirl, did tell me she knew what I was going through since she had lost her brother and offered a sincere hug. I have never forgotten that moment. I was numb for months and, in looking for comfort, found a website for the support of people who have lost siblings, recognizing that their grief often goes unoticed. The website said this:

"When you lose a parent, you lose your past.
When you lose a child, you lose your future.
When you lose a sibling, you lose your past, present and future for they are the only family members that we will know from early childhood until our last years. "

I'm so jealous of the Duke and his two siblings. They call each other from time to time, send pictures of their kids, and visit on holidays. Heck, I'll be honest. I'm jealous of anyone who has a brother or sister. Why did I lose my only brother? Some people don't even talk to their brothers. What is their problem?

Yep. Today is ugly. I don't want to remember, and yet how can I not?